Tens years since Jamie's passing. I think about him and miss him everyday. I truly mean that. Those aren't just words. I can not go a day when I don't have a thought of him. Sometimes it is nice and other times it brings me close to or complete tears. He is still in my day to day conversations. He was such a big part of my past, How could he not be? And for that I am beyond grateful.
Today I made the decision to stay away from Facebook & Instagram. I know that a lot of folks cared for Jamie and still care and think about him now. Seeing how he touched so many was one of the reasons why I loved him. And I love to see how others viewed him and learn even more about their relationships with him. It really does make my heart happy, but today I selfishly only wanted to remember my memories with him.
As I was going through my day with plans to have a movie date with Danny boy, Bogey asked me "Do you think you'll talk to Daniel about what today is?" I responded with a "I'm not really sure." At that moment I remembered a promise that I made when we lost Jamie. I said that I would always keep Jamie "present" in our lives. I didn't want him to just be come a memory for Daniel or some sort of character he heard about. I want him to KNOW his father. His success, his failures, his talents, his quirkiness, his humor, his challenges. And I realized I haven't kept my promise to myself. And to be honest the main reason is Me. It is just sometimes to hard to talk about moments with him without sobbing like a baby. I didn't want him to feel bad for me or become upset himself, but I have to realize he is 10 years old. He is becoming an independent young man now not a dependent infant.
So tonight we had some time and we talked. Although it was only a few minutes my hope is that we can keep this a continuing interaction. I let him know that today was the day his father passed away. How hurt and sad I was. I wanted Daniel to know how special he was to me. That because of him, I was able to find strength and courage that I didn't know I possessed. I reminded him of all the LOVE Jamie had for him. How Jamie would toss him in the air and after catching him pull him down just hovering the floor and how he would giggle and squeal so much he would almost loose his breath. That was their thing, and I remember it took me several months to not cringe everytime (which is silly, because those who remembers Daniel as a baby knows how sturdy he was). I guess that is the difference between Moms and Dads.
Going forward I want to get out of my own head and share Jamie with him. I have the support here, Bogey is amazing when it comes to this. Sometimes it would seem he was sharing more of what he knew of Jamie than I do. We have friends that knew Jamie either before we were married or after, and some both and we were blessed to create amazing memories with those folks. And our Family. My family has great memories to share and I am blessed to still have an amazing relationship with Jamie's family and it tickles me when we go to the Grandparents house and all my boys are playing with The Toys. Most of which Jamie played with when he was a little guy:)
As always if you have any memories of Jamie. Feel free to pass them along.
Thanks for reading.
Until next time:)
